on the range {week 9}: buttermilk roast chicken

{On the Range} is my weekly series where I discuss what we're doing, reading, and eating. It's a little bit 52 project and other photo projects, and a little bit {Did you Read?} and {In the Ranger Kitchen}.

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

 Others from that portrait session...

stuff is happening

Watching them play peacefully from inside the house. Two peas in an adorable pod, they are.

Seems like we're due for me to give y'all a what-I'm-up-to brain dump. I mean, enough with the organization and the structured posts already, right? Things are going along swimmingly, that is if you don't count the fact that I got a second nasty cold in two months (so much for my moronic "I haven't been sick in two years!!" bragging, s'pose I had it coming), and the fact that it has been the dreariest of dreary weather for too long to count, and the fact that I am so disorganized right now that I missed Vivi's last-day-of-school-sing-along. And then two of my friends called later to ask "What was up with you not being there?" And then a third friend emailed to say "We missed you at the sing-along!"

Nevermind all that. I can't even. I might start crying.

one-drink mommy bakes, and other tales

N.B.: My post title is an homage to Mike Birbiglia, one of my favorite comedians, and his bit called "Two-drink Mike." Alternate titles I could have chosen are:

This is Why I Follow Recipes 

Evidence My Husband Needs to Come Home Soon

Lately I have been having a cocktail in the afternoon evening. And I've been baking more often. Would you like to know what happens when a mojito-filled, overconfident mom decides that coconut rum banana bread with lime glaze sounds so delicious that she just has to make it?

Disaster. That's what. Prepare yourself...

on bathroom talk and blooming relationships

Pics taken with Nate's smart phone, which I pirated while he's gone

We are having glorious weather this week. Last year at this time we had definitely not broken out the shorts sleeves for a few weeks yet. We went to the park again yesterday and had such fun. On our walk, my mind was wandering to what I might write about today on the blog. I thought to myself "I haven't posted Vivisms in a while. I should remember to write down the next funny thing she says." Then literally twenty seconds later, Vivi nearly fell in the road and exclaimed "Oh! I almost tripped on that butt crack in the street!"

on compulsory tiger stripes

I LOVE this picture. I had to draw in a little pitchfork (my very own crappy picture) because it looks so American Gothic-y. Seeing how grown-up the girls look in that snapshot makes me realize I haven't given an update on them in a while.

I am a regular June Freakin' Cleaver

I am not the crafty sort. I am nearly positive I cleverly conned sweetly asked my parents or my talented, artistic best friend into helping me make every craft assignment required of me by grade school. I love being creative, so it's not the ideas I have trouble with, it's the follow through. There was a time that I used to needlepoint, but I never finished a single piece. Sigh. When Vivi asks to do an art project, I find myself doing either finger-paints, gluing cotton balls onto paper, or coloring a giant piece of kraft paper A LOT.

I do love the parent-child connection that an art project provides. As I child, I remember really enjoying pressing flowers with my mom and helping my dad paint furniture. My parents both selected careers that involve working with your hands, being on your feet all day, and being able to think creatively, so needless to say they are both incredible crafters. When I was growing up, I would casually I mention to my dad that I would like a playhouse or to my mom that I'd like to garden, and before you could say boo, they'd be outside banging on 2x4s or tilling the ground. Talk about energy.

it takes a metaphorical, sometimes virtual village

Nate is having a long work week, during which he is still in Boston but pretending to be in San Francisco where the rest of his team is working on The Big Project. Cali time means late nights at the office. I can go a couple of days without his husbandly companionship and parental assistance, but usually by day four I am officially unraveling. Last night I was having one of those moments in parenting that we all try not to talk about, where all I want to do is work on my night cheese, and meanwhile I have a child who is insisting on playing the matching game--or infinitely worse, "princesses."

What is a mother to do in such a scenario? Parenting books offer the occasional good idea. Back when she was just turning three, we had a "will you play with me?" terrorist living with us, and we learned to enact 'special play time with Mommy/Daddy.' Fortunately now she plays for much of the day with Charlotte or off in her own little world of make believe. But there are moments, particularly the after-dinner, dark-outside, Charlotte-asleep time of day, in which you're just too tired to play but can't stomach the thought of turning on the TV/electronic babysitter. I find that books aren't good at offering solutions for this time of day.

blessed are the cheesemakers

A blogger friend wrote a comment a few days ago reminding me of a scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian--love that movie! Watching it again got me thinking about religion and humor. The movie was apparently controversial on its release; it was made the year I was born so I wouldn't know, but so I've heard. Getting up in arms about religious satire is a strange phenomenon. From my perspective, it seems only natural to poke fun at your own faith, just as you would any other area of life, or other faiths for that matter (remember a certain Danish cartoon, anyone?).

It's been necessary for me to hone this point-of-view lately, since Vivi has started making jokes about everything in her life, including her spirituality. The jokes aren't very good; most of them only she gets, but she laughs hysterically every time. I find myself unsure about whether to let her make the ones about God and Jesus (see: Cheez-its), but as I said, it seems to me a little levity couldn't hurt. Here's another recent example of a Vivi joke:

a side effect of listening to The Killers

It seems like I haven't discussed the mundane details of home life lately, so I know you must be on pins and needles with anticipation, reader. Here goes...

The goings-on are happening in our house. We are headed to Florida on Christmas Eve to be with Nate's family, so Santa is coming to our house tonight, and Nate's taking the day off work tomorrow to do the pancakes and present-opening. All this means I am running amok today to prepare. What is it about the holidays that makes us all loony tunes?

Vivi goes to school twice a week, and when she's not at school, she can be found reading in her princess tent, harassing the kitty, listening to her dinosaur CD for the bajillionth time, and playing with Charlotte. These days, "playing" consists of smothering her with a blanket or whining "Charlie, stoooooopppppp!" Really though, she's a great big sister and seems to care quite a bit about Charlotte's well-being. If Charlotte is fussy, Vivi is almost always the first to suggest maybe she's not feeling well, rather than my go-to diagnosis, "bratty toddler stage." And she's almost always right.

Charlie can also be found bothering the cat, but unlike Vivi, she hasn't yet figured out she should do it with a long instrument from a safe distance. You should see the perplexed look on her face when kitty strikes back; but then thirty seconds later she's back for more. I have to admit, there is something irresistible about that kitty. As I type, Charlie is trying to put a sticker on kitty's face, and kitty is desperately attempting to defend her one square foot of sunlight on the couch. Poor kitty.

The girls had some great leaf-jumping yesterday while I attempted to bag up the suckers. Much to my dismay, a product of living in a compact neighborhood is that there are no wooded corners in our back yard in which to pile up the year's leaves. To top it off, the neighbors to the back of us are grouchy gardeners who are not to be messed with, so I'm trying to do my part and complaining all the livelong day while I do it.

Although I haven't been good about collecting them here, Vivi still says some funny "Vivisms." Generally, they are now full conversation-length instead of the one-liners they once were and often involve a complicated question or two. Here are a few recent conversations.


The exact location of Heaven...
Vivi: Mommy, I know God lives in Heaven, right?
Me: That's right.
Vivi: And I know Heaven is somewhere in the sky, but it can't be higher than the sun because that would be too hot. So where is Heaven exactly?


On Christmas, grandparents, war, etc...
Vivi: Tomorrow is Christmas, and then Saturday we are going to see Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Katie, right Mommy?
Me: Yes! Are you excited?
Vivi: Yeah. And today I'm going to school, and Daddy's going to work. What are Grandma and Grandpa doing today?
Me: Grandma is probably getting ready for us to come, and Grandpa is working.
Vivi: What is he doing?
Me: He's flying his airplane to help the soldiers come home.
Vivi: What's a soldier?
Me: A soldier is a hero who helps fight a war.
Vivi: Oh. What's a war?
Me: Well, sometimes countries have problems, and soldiers go to help them figure out their problems and stop bad guys from hurting people.
Vivi: Like Batman?
Me: Yeah, kind of like Batman.
Vivi: Oh...(long pause) I got soul but I'm not a soldier...

on the bellies of grown-ups, and other observations

Vivi was watching me put my hair in a ponytail yesterday morning, and while I had my arms raised over my head, she said "Mommy, your tummy is getting small so you will have another baby now." I'll let you chew on that one.

An hour or so later, I was driving her to school, and all was quiet in the car except the radio. Out of the blue, Vivi says "I don't want to be a grown-up." This statement is a bit easier to understand if you consider the fact that at the time I was listening to the BBC World News instead of the pop music she prefers.

When I was about Vivi's age, I remember asking my mom to come watch cartoons with me. She politely declined and when pressed further told me she really didn't like cartoons very much. This admission was a revelation for me. Peeling the layers away, you've got the lesson that Mom and Dad might not love everything I love, and then there's the dawning realization that not everyone adores cartoons. Oh the horror! As a kid, I made the leap that if adults don't like cartoons, I don't wanna grow up.

Looking back in the rearview mirror, I recognized that same look of awakening on Vivi's face. And so begins her Piagetian sociocentristic view of the world. I'll say it again, our baby is all grows up.

Vivisms, vol 30

Vivi: What did Daddy say on the phone to you?
Me: He wants me to tell you he misses you.
Vivi: Oh. I misses him too.

Oh, the irony of cows in costume...
Vivi: Why is that cow wearing that?
Nate: It's ironic.
Vivi: No it's not. It's a handkerchief.

Remind me, who's making the rules around here?
Vivi: Mommy, I want a chipmunk with a stick to go on your cake.
Me: Haha, I have no idea what that means, but I think I'll get cookies instead of cake, okay?
Vivi: NO! (look of exasperation) I told you that you are going to have a cake, Mommy.

Vivi: It's bright outside today! I can't believe my eyes!

And so it begins...
Vivi: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? [times a million]
Me: Quiet please, so I can follow these directions.
Vivi: Okay.
 [A few minutes go by, then I notice her quietly amusing herself]
Vivi: Pee pee on your shoes. Hee hee hee. Pee pee on your pants. Hee hee hee. Pee pee on your face. HA!

Vivisms, vol 29

Happy Halloween!

Vivi: Guess what, Mommy? Grandpa Jim is coming! Oh, (hands clasped) I love him every day.

Vivi: Why are you so big in this picture?
Me: Because you are in my tummy. You weren't born yet.
Vivi: Why? Did you ate me?

Vivi: Wait down, wait down! Wait for me!

Dressing up for her preschool Halloween costume party...
Me: Put your arms in so we can tie the back (putting on her frog costume, which she insisted on to go with her frog backpack).
Vivi: No.
Me: Why not? We need to get ready so I can get Charlotte up.
Vivi: No. My friends won't like this one. I want to be a cowgirl instead.

Vivi (yelling from the kitchen to the living room): Daddy, when I'm done eating, I'm coming in there to give you a big hug.

Me: Do you know what your middle name is? It starts with a J.
Vivi: Jack?
Me: Haha, (to my dad) I say "Let's hit the road, Jack" when we're leaving the house, so that's why she thinks that. No Vivi, your middle name is Jane.
Vivi: Then stop calling me Jack!
Me: Ok, should I say "Let's hit the road, Jane"?
Vivi: Sure. [long pause] But I really want to be a superhero.

Nate (sweeping the kitchen): Ack! Where does all this come from?!
Vivi: I don't like"crumb crumbs" either, Daddy. They hurt my feet.

Vivi (walking in the bitter cold outside): My feets and legs are too windy!

Vivisms, vol 28

 
Vivi: I love Grandpa Jim. I saw him yesterday. 'Member that, Mommy?
Me: It wasn't yesterday, it was longer ago than that. So you can say you saw him "a while ago."
Vivi: I can also say "banana."

Me: What are you thinking about?
Vivi: I'm thinking of how whales eat bunnies.

Nate: Vivi, you don't need to touch Charlotte so much. People don't like to be touched all the time, so let's not touch each other any more for a while.
Vivi: But we can touch ourselves whenever we want!

Vivi: Oopsy woopsy! That's a good thing to say, right Mommy? And 'damn' is a house that a beaver lives in.

Thanks to school, she now has a whole new vocabulary. Here are some examples...
  
Vivi: This oatmeal is stupid.


Vivi: I hate the sun.
Me: Where did you hear that word?
Vivi: A boy at school. He hates everything, 'specially the sun.
Me: Well, we don't say that because it isn't nice. If you aren't fond of something, you can say you don't like it.
Vivi: Well, I'm saying it because I'm mad at it, and I hate it.


Vivi: Shit shit shit shit.

Me: What are you saying?

Vivi: Shit!

Me: What does that mean?

Vivi: It means you crawl around the house and you put a blanket on your head, and you say "Shit shit shit."

Vivi: Can I help you fold the clothes?
Me: You can fold the panties, and I'll fold the big sheet.
Vivi: But I'm stronger than you, so I can do it!

Vivisms, vol 27

Charlotte crawls away...
Me: Charlie! Where are you going?
Vivi: She's going to Boston.

Vivi (after hiccuping): Mommy, I just hicced up.

Vivi (shouting from the next room): Mommy, Charlotte go pooped!

Practicing her foreigner speaking Ebonyx...
Vivi: What it means lunch?
Me: Pardon?
Vivi: I'm axing you a question, Mommy. Why its lunch?
Me: Because it's lunch time, so we are going to eat.
Vivi: No. Aghhh. I know it be's time, I wanna know what is lunch?
Me: Oh, we're having peanut butter and jelly.
Vivi: NO! I know THAT already!
Me: I'm not sure I understand your question, honey.
Vivi: Oh, nevermind.

Telling me like it is, after I banged around some pots and pans...
Vivi: Mommy, do you know what "taking it easy" means? [pause for effect, hands on hips] It means you should stop being so loud, don't make as much noise, and be quiet.

Vivisms, vol 26

Me: Do you want more spaghettios?
Vivi: Yes, please!
Me: Wow, you're the spaghettios queen!
Vivi: No, I'm not.  I don't have a crown.

Charlotte laughing in the back seat...
Vivi: Charlotte's laughing! She likes my face.

Watching a movie...
Vivi: I don't like that guy!
Me: Don't worry. He won't hurt anybody.
Vivi: Yes he will!

Vivi: This is the best kind of cheese EVER.
Me: I'm glad you like it.
Vivi: I love these 'chicken peas' (chickpeas) too. And I love chickadees. Chicka-dee-dee-dee-dee! And I love Grandpa.

Vivi: We have new movies from the library, Mommy! I want to watch "Flushed in the Toilet" (aka "Flushed Away").

Vivisms, vol 25

Duh, Mommy...
Me (to Nate): I need to get a Banana Republic card so I can run up the bill.
Vivi: Not run up the bill, Mommy, run up the HILL!

Plotting...
Vivi: Daddy can we watch Vivi TV?
Nate: Not right now honey, I'm watching the weather.
Vivi: Hm, well ok then.  But when Charlotte is asleep and you are asleep and Mommy is asleep and the couch is all empty then I'm watching Vivi TV.

Eating dinner
Nate: Don't lick your spoon, ok? Take a bite like a polite big girl.
Vivi: Boy aren't polite. Boys are gross. You're a boy, right Daddy?

Playing with her "guys"
Vivi: Ladies and gentlemen!...

Me: Why are you out here? Do you want to watch a different movie? (She was watching "Spirited Away")
Vivi: Yeah because it's too fast, and I don't understand it, and I can't hear it with my ear things.

Vivisms, vol 24

Picking her up at camp...
Vivi: Mommy, I had fun and didn't miss you.

Driving...
Vivi: This one is not the same as this one.
Me: Oh?
Vivi: I'm not talking to you, Mommy, I'm talking to myself.

Vivi: I don't like bulls. They're too horny. (get it? horn-y?)

Me: Come here please so I can put this spray on you.
Vivi: But Mommy, I don't need to wear any bug scream! (I am going to Proctor & Gamble with this new title, which is clearly superior to "insect spray").

Me: Please eat your oatmeal. I'm eating mine too.
Vivi: And I'm eating mine three!

Vivisms, vol 23

Vivi: Today is Windsday (thanks Pooh), tomorrow is Thursday, and then it's Fried-egg and the weekend and I can watch a movie!

Me: Vivi, come here and let's put your clothes on.
Vivi: Hang on, Mommy. I'm thinking about blue and yellow.

Vivi's first music playlist...
Vivi: Is this Adele? I love Adele. I want Adele, Usher, Katy Perry, and Rihanna, and that's all I want. And I want it loud.

Making a shopping list...
Vivi: Mommy, can we get a diamond at the store today?

Vivi: I love the book that Aunt Katie and Uncle Jason gave me.
Me: Good! That was a Christmas present. Do you remember Christmas?
Vivi: Yes! I love Christmas. Santa is my good friend. He gives me cheese! (Note: our Santa we visited actually did give her cheese for some odd reason, and she never forgets a friend who gives her food).

Vivisms, vol 22

Establishing priorities while hiking in the woods...
Vivi: Be very quiet, Mommy.
Me: Are we looking for animals?
Vivi: No, we're looking for diamonds.

Still hiking in the woods...
Vivi: Why isn't there any water in the creek?
Me: Sometimes when it hasn't rained very much and it's hot, the creek dries up. Also, the animals drink out of it.
Vivi: I think the animals pulled out the plug, and the water went down the drain.

Me: Please eat your oatmeal.
Vivi: But I'm relaxing!

Every time I listen to this album! I think it might be a set-up...
Vivi: Who is this?
Me: It's "Vampire Weekend."
Vivi (serious face): Oh, well if it's the weekend, then I can watch a movie.

Vivi: Mommy, can you turn Charlie's nose off? She's gots too many boogies.

Vivisms, vol 21

Vivi: Why is Charlie crying, Mommy?
Me: I'm not sure.
Vivi: I think you hurt her feelings.

Vivi: What sound does a rhino make, Daddy?
Nate: Hmmm, I don't know.
Vivi: I'm going to ask my animals.

Vivi: What is this store called?
Me: It's CVS.
Vivi: But I don't see any V or S.

Vivi: What are you buying? Is that candy?
Me (grabbing a bag of pretzel M&Ms): It's chocolate for Daddy.
Vivi: For when he goes poop?

Vivi: Pretend this is my house (the corner of the room behind the couch) and this is my grandma (Charlotte).

Vivi: Mommy, can I help you fold the laundry? Here's your elbow thing (a bra).